SELF-HONESTY, AFFIRMATIONS & VIRTUES
“Being entirely honest with oneself is a worthwhile exercise” – Sigmund Freud (paraphrased).
In almost 22 weeks this is something that I was NOT doing. On top of that, I was depending on outward conditions for my own happiness, my own future, my purpose. Rather discouraging that after all this time that something had to be removed from my Definite Major Purpose. I had written that I’d be working for a company for the next year or so before having my own. In my mind, I was telling myself it was the only way to acquire knowledge and funding to start my own empire. So in other words, depending on outward conditions, where I should have been thinking and feeling as if my future reality already happened and the resources to make it happen will come to me. “Hello! Adriel! That’s what you’ve been learning since last year! Knock-Knock!! Wake Up!!!”
I had to dig deep down, and really think, really feel what I desire. Do I even want to work for this company at all? Do I want that? Well a career change in a different direction in an industry I enjoy wouldn’t be a bad thing at all, but thinking that’s it’s my key to my bliss is not. The signs just kept on coming that I was going back towards the “river of dreams”. The studies just not getting done, not understanding anything I’m reading and so on. So, I’ve been focusing more on what I really want, being truly honest with myself. Once I started doing that with feeling, I felt more free and less pressured to do something someone else thinks I should.
When you really start doing things now as if it has already happened or busy happening it’s really staggering how things just start occurring. One thing in my DMP is myself living in my own home. So here and there I started collecting things for my home. A dish rack here, a pack of teaspoons and dinner table candles there. Tiny things, but it’s that living in the future, now, where astonishing events just start happening. This week at work, we where helping someone move, next thing I received a washing machine and a small fridge…. “What?? Wow!!” I’m still somewhat speechless, yet very grateful!
Affirmations of deficiency
What you think about grows right? If you focus on the things you don’t want, those things transpire. You should only focus on the things you DO want. I should have been paying more attention to myself, because I know this. Another “Hello!?” moment there. In my mind having a constant fear to defaulting back to old behaviors and messing up a friendship, well that’s exactly what happened! It was extremely disappointing and discouraging that after all these weeks, where I thought I had crossed a threshold of change, that the same events of adversity of the past still happen. After dwelling on my unhappiness and disappointment for a few days, a pity party if you will, I knew I can choose what emotion to assign to that, as well as to think more positive about it, what I can learn from it. This was also a true test of applying what Og Mandino writes “Yesterday is buried forever and I think of it no more”. I can only learn and move on.
My guide Luc also pointed out that reverting back to past, unwanted behaviors is inevitable. I have a whole lifetime of past conditioning to change, and I have to have patience as well. In Week 21’s webinar there as a heading: “The stumbles are the Treasure”. I have a choice to stumble. A choice to feel sorry for myself, stop growing and enable the negative addiction, or, keep on stumbling and NOT dwell on the things that caused me to stumble in the first place, and just focus on the ideal!
Focusing on virtues in others that require the most improvement within myself has quite a profound effect. Not only to me, but to the people around me. Self-Control was a virtue for a week. Seeing it in others started having me gain more self-control over actions without me even realizing until a few days later. Not keeping proper tabs on my finances is one of them! I must say I’ve seen some improvement there where I’ve struggled for years to even start getting it right. Patience was one that I thought was in the list, but was something that I thought could use some work this week anyway. Oh did I only notice that I actually don’t have a lot of it! My friend/boss said yesterday “You gave up too soon”, while attempting to complete a task that I found quite difficult. Only to see him complete it in seconds. There was still work on myself to be done. On a positive note, I had been keeping calmer and patient in general, and could see it in that same friend being more patient himself in situations where we’d both be tense and get irritated quickly.
Heading into Week 22 already, the journey is far from over. But I still remain excited of what’s to come, and what I am still to discover about the true me and the person I intend to become!