Week 13

GIVING UP….

I did not listen. I thought I was in control. I was far from it. Don’t take a break they said. What did I do?  ONE day without reading, exercises, focusing on the person I intend to become, shifted me out of harmony, and I instantaneously ruined everything. My cells SCREAMING for their fix of unhappiness, depression, self-loathing, selfishness, failure, got what they wanted. The old blueprint saw I was not watching, slipped back in and set fire to my new reality I’ve been creating.

It’s one thing when others inflict pain on you, but the hurt is indescribable when you realize that you’ve dished out hurt to others, and to yourself. Exactly what I did. Cells got their sadness fix, and I got what I didn’t want. Ending a friendship over a stupid disagreement, hurting a person that’s been such an integral part of my growth, someone I love so dearly, for what? Just so that I can feel the hurt and pain I’ve always been accustomed to, the old wiring, firing up again. My studies also falling further behind. My future, fading to black.

Throwing my DMP in the trash until I’ve finished this post, has Mark J ringing in my head. QUITTER!! LOSER!!. It makes me feel sick. I feel I’ve already quit after my words and actions of yesterday, and throwing my future in the bin as if it was nothing brings up an insurmountable feeling of disappointment. I cannot let this happen. I cannot give up and let myself drown in the sea of despair. I will charge forward. I persist! I win!

My biggest challenge now is forgiveness. Not forgiving others, but forgiving myself. It’s very difficult not to entertain and think about my wrong doings, as I feel so ashamed for what I did. How do I tell myself that’s it’s OK?

I must find the positive in this experience. This had to happen for a reason. I had to screw up substantially to realize I’m jeopardizing my future by losing focus. And if I carry on this path back down to the old me, this feeling of unworthiness will be my permanent reality. I cannot bear to think of me looking back one day, achieving nothing and my Definite Major Purpose just a dream written on paper, in the trash, forgotten. It will be in a frame in a focal point in my beachfront house in 2022, where I’ll look at it everyday with tears of joy and pride, that I can overcome ANYTHING, and can manifest ANYTHING I desire!